dark hope
by Chaz01
Summary: There are many old stories of fallen angles, becoming demons, these are true, I know, because I am one...
1. Default Chapter

Welcome to my hell/ fall of the 1st gen. angles   
  
Authors note: What's up? This is try number 2 for me. I think it is better. Enjoy! (My spelling sucks, sorry)  
  
Don't own, not mine...  
  
Well I guess it's about time to begin, but where to begin? I could start at the beginning, but that would take forever. No, I'll start the day that my life really began, the day that the incident occurred. The day I met her.  
  
Who am I? I have been called many things, by many people. My real name has long been forgotten in the river of time, and very little of it is left. What is in a name, though? As Shakespear so eloquently put it, 'that which we call a rose, by nay other name, would smell as sweet'. I guess you'll need to know what others call me though, it could be more confusing then it needs be. My new assumed name is John. I have no last, it is pointless to make one, I tend to change it more frequently then most change their underwear.  
  
So now for the second part, where am I? I am in my mind, but my physical self is sitting in the sunshine café. That was in the city that humans call Tokyo three, and known to second gen. as the promised land. No land held any promise for me any more, nor was I there to cause any harm. I was there because that is where I was. I was also there to observe. 6 months ago I had heard of a UN project that used half bred angles, to save the human world. I was eager to see ths new, great, killing machine that man had made.  
  
I have lived in the city for 3 weeks now, working the grave yard shift at the cemetery. The job is quite, the people are friendly, and I enjoy the solitude. I am left alone, and I prefer it that way, just to have everyone ignor me, it makes my true purpose easer. The cemetery itself reminds me of the fact of all of mans great creations and achievements will, ' returned into sand, vanish from my hand, left me blindly hear to stand but still not sleeping,' Bob Dylan wrote those words. It's funny, you humans can produce such beautiful things, and then such horrible atrocities, but now I am getting ahead of myself. In any case that verse, and others from that author, have become my theme song, a musical compilation I used to define myself.   
  
So, now here I sit, at 12 in the afternoon. I don't have work today, it's Saturday and because of this the café is more full then usual. I have come in here every day at 12 for a cup of some hot liquid sustenance and a sandwich. The owner and I have talked on this and that, mostly politics. He is a rather conserved sort, who is most concerned with the economy, his owning a small company and all, God bless him. He is a rather poor busisnus man, selling his wears for cheap and giving left over food to the homeless, but he has wealth beyond measure in his soul. He has 2 kids and a grad child, and if allowed I am thoroughly convinced he would talk on there positive attributes for eternity. He is jamming today, but does afford me with a rather friendly smile, before turning back to his counter.  
  
Then it happened, finally. The alarm sounded and everyone got up and started heading for their shelters. The voice announced all the safety first, orderly fashion crap that no one pays any attention to. Everyone was rushing out of the café, trying to outwit death again, trying to outrun his cold steel. Not understanding that when he wanted them, he would take them, without any question. They couldn't escape death, just as I couldn't escape my fate. I neatly folded the cross word I had been working on and got up, taking my coffee with me. As I walked out, I watched and marveled at the humans accomplishments. I watched 3 giant robots type things with, shit, what do you people call it... I think it's AD field or AG field, something like that, emerge out of the ground, much as you emerged from the primordial soup. It was like the city was giving birth. Opposite them stood the second gen. They called these things angles, and they were technically right, I was still rather discussed though. God had redone things completely in my absence. It was a long time since I laid eyes on one of my brothers, and I felt sick at the sight of him.  
  
He stood far too tall, and was terrible weak. He was so bad he was about to get beat by humans. Whatever, if he is dead then fuck him, one more down. Besides it's not my fight. I haven't fought anyone or anything since that fateful day, but again I am getting ahead of myself.  
  
The battle that ensued, if you could rightly call it that, was beautiful. It was more reminiscent of a dance, each of them knowing the steps. They fought on for nothing, against any unbeatable foe, not the angle, not even God, they fought against death. The one true constant. In any case, the destruction that was being shown was beautiful. It was not the classic beauty, like a clear sky, but it was purity. They were all acting because this was the nature, fate and the universe itself had brought them together to fight like this, and they had the same inexplicable beauty that a raging storm has. It is it's purity that set's it apart.  
  
In the back of my mind, I slowly became aware of a voice that was saying something to me, probably 'what is wrong with you!?' Oh well, let the Lilith flee to their dilutions of security, I will stand here, and watch. I was also becoming aware, as only first gens could, of everything happening on the field. I was hearing every pain and futile cry to an apathetic god. I heard every prayer, and every word of support muttered by the citizenry, to help their gallant fighters. I heard the fighters themself, saw there faces.  
  
And here lies my mistake. It was quite on ascendent, but as I regarded one, how do you say...pilot, I think, I was struck by a memory. It was a time long scene dead, in an age long since recorded in history books, and meaningless. But it was real to me. As real as the day I lived it. It was around the 4 crusade. Catholics showing their love by killing Muslims. In any case, I was near Jerusalem at that time, just drifting. A kind hearted women took me in and fed me. Her husband had died and she was left with 2 sons and a daughter to care for. The sons were off in the fields, trying to make ends meat, but the daughter, who was 3 or 4, was there. She was the most innocent soul I had ever encountered in all my travels, throughout my long life. Her eyes were as pure and blue as the sky, and I think she had never hurt a fly, intentionally. I left that day, thanking them,, and plained to go to the fallen city to 'borrow' from their treasury. You people are so happy to receive the shinny metal you call gold, I never quite grasped that concept. In any case, I wanted to show my gratitude. When I got back, the village had been slaughtered. I found that girl's head, rammed through a pike. Her one I had fallen out, due to rought, but the other still contained the same look of innocence. I did something I had never done before. Even after my loss of paradise, I had not shed tears, but they came freely now. It was then I realized just what we had done, and I have never forgave myself for that, never.  
  
  
In any case, the pilot who was in the big red robot, had the same eyes. Her's seemed more dull and less vibrant and she had a burden upon her soul, yet she still retained that purity. I am not sure what makes people more good or less good, but she had that rare quality. It was then I realized that they were probably going to lose. This was a powerful second gen.. I, I couldn't bare to have another eye look at me the way that girls did from so many years ago. The image transcended both time and distance, and haunted my soul. I would not let her die again, it sounded weird, but I would avenge her. I am still not sure how saving this person, would help me bear my burden, but I had stop thinking, I simply acted.  
  
And so I did something I hadn't done in over 4 eons, I powered up....  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
  
" Another AT field detected!!"  
  
" What, where?! Is it an..."  
  
" Confirmed, it's an angle, though this one is strange.."  
  
" How so??!!"   
  
" It is resinating at a different speed, and, we can't triangulate the new angles location..."  
  
" This is bad..." 


	2. point at all?

Point at all????  
  
  
Authors notes: Shit is about to get heavy, if you have an easily  
impressionable mind, don't read, this is existentialism at it's best, and  
nihilism at it's worst....  
  
Thank u for the comments, Please keep them coming. I am going to stick with  
1st for now, because I have never written in 3rd. Other then that, thanks  
for reading...  
  
Also, I am not on the up and up with people, I'd like some advice on who would act in what way, sorry. Well enjoy....  
  
  
Don't own, not mine  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
I woke slowly, out of a wonderful dream, a dream in which I had found the  
redemption I had forsaken. A dream in which I still had the love I had  
rejected. A dream that was from the before time. An interesting consequence  
of both our races is the fact that reality stops. There is a moment in your  
life where everything and anything since, is understood in terms of that  
event. It is always easy to detect this in an old solder, who dreams of  
glorious dreams, of death and destruction. This moment for me was when we  
fell, when we knew we couldn't win. There are no words in the languages of  
man to describe the feeling of pain, fighting a battle that can't be won,   
but  
fighting it anyways. But that's what all humans are doing, isn't it?  
Struggling against a foe that can't be stopped.  
  
What happened. Does it matter should be the question. And the answer is  
always the same, always no. I will humour myself though and tell the tale.   
It  
is a tale told by a fool, to drooling idiots who seek entertainment, but   
then  
so is life. After powering up, I won over the 2nd gen easy. It was a breeze,  
like crushing a fly, but then they came. I knew we would meet again, my true  
brothers and me, the angels of the first type.  
  
But what is a first type, I ask myself. Here it is, theology 101, the truth,  
god it has been a long time since I have had to think about this. In fact, I  
swore I never would. But it, like all other swears, was destined to break.  
Humans think there was one creation, there were actually three. The passage  
from geniuses uses the word and, 'heaven and earth'. There was a time, I  
remember it well, when there was no earth or physical plain of existence,  
there was just us and Him. We existed in happy harmony, then you came into  
the picture. He wanted to make spirit and flesh one, to pervert the sanctity  
of both. We saw that this would only end in pain for Him, so to save him   
from  
himself, we tried to stop him. Our reward for following our hearts was  
eternal damnation, expulsion from the light of heaven, to be sealed in  
nothingness, forever. God it was so alone. After that, the second creation,  
the creation of your plain of reality, was made. God, seeming to have either  
learned his lesson, or having some new purpose in mind, created a new set of  
angels. These, like man, have both physical and metaphysical properties,  
whereas 1st types have only metaphysical. Due to this, 2nd's are much   
weaker  
then 1st types, but 1st types rarely leave heaven, and I am the only one   
free  
from hell. That is the lesson of the 3rd creation, the creation that took  
place the instant the man you call Jesus' blood touched the ground. This  
sealed off hell from your world, forever more. I was left, though why I   
don't  
know, not that it matters much, "Nothing really matters much, it's doom   
alone  
that counts" Bob Dylan, again. That was also the rebirth of your race. Where  
was our saviour huh?! Where is my fucking 2nd chance?! Fuck it though, it  
doesn't matter.  
  
So now 3rd creation is almost done, and the heaven and earth will once again  
be one. The clock, time the ever-present demon, runs low. It is.....  
  
" I have come to interrogate you."  
  
So they have finally sent someone to chat with, took their time. Let me see,  
fuck I need to remember. The battle with the 2nd, yes, then what? Ahh yes,  
the 1st intervened. They were both low levels, so I beat them, but they did  
quite the number on me. I can remember blacking out, the last thing I saw   
was  
the sky.... They saved me, I guess. They must want a living specimen, I   
won't  
be their lab rat, I played that role once be for and I will never go back...  
  
" Tell me, is this how you reward all your saviours, imprisonment, death,  
torture? Buddha, Christ, King, Gandhi, none born any hate, and yet you put  
them into cells like this. Tell me what action of my help do you punish me  
for?" I glanced around. I was in a cell, but I knew that before. It was  
obviously not a normal cell, three pikes emerged from the ground and casting  
down a magnetic field, similar to an A what-ever-the-fuck field. My 'room',  
was four dark walls, an empty ceiling, a black floor, a bed, a table, and   
some  
medical machines. The room was utterly empty, and seemed to scream 'welcome  
to the truth of nothingness, welcome to your eternity, great fallen one'.  
The woman who stood before was a blond, or so it would seem. She had very  
analytical blue eyes, and a mole on her check. I got the feeling she was  
someone very important to the Lilith, so why send her? Maybe they thought a  
higher level official would handle me best...  
  
" It is for our security..."  
  
I burst out laughing, I couldn't help it. " Security!!! My goodness, wake   
the  
fuck up!!!!! What do you seek, security, a strong arm to keep away the bad  
things of the world!! You're dead anyways, don't you see that?! Don't you  
realize your very existence is meaningless?!? Security, from what, your own  
mortality? I see, you want to wear the big girl pants, is that it? You want  
to feel like the queen shit, like you can affect change. Your life's a  
facade, and there is too much at stake for you to harbour such illusions, I  
suggest you wake up..."  
  
Silence. Dead silence. Dead beautiful, poetically just silence. She just  
stared, shocked. She probably hadn't heard my words, you hear what you want,  
but was obviously not used to being addressed in such a way. Well, I am   
going  
to press onwards. She is keeping me here, she will suffer for it...  
  
" What, you going to cry? You going to go pray to an apathetic god who  
created you into a world where he knew you would suffer, and be in constant  
pain?!! Go cry to your god, or maybe, your cats would prefer to hear the  
tale, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi."  
  
" How, did you know that?!?!" She asked. Her cool composure was breaking   
down.  
Her cold analytical eyes seemed to be searching disparity for some truth,  
some thing to hang on to. But she wouldn't find anything, because there was  
nothing there. She was closer to hysterics then I think she ever had been.  
  
I laughed some more at this, as you laugh at children who act foolishly. "  
Come now, you have come to understand me, is that it? You don't even know  
yourself, and yet you've come to seek me, do you know how arrogant that   
is!!!  
You stupid bitch, you spent your life looking for truth, in those mindless  
formula that you Lilith seem to embrace so much, and in the end, where did   
it  
get you? One step closer to your own annihilation. You might just beat the   
2nd  
gen, hell, I wouldn't put it past you, but they aren't your true enemy, you  
are. But fuck you all, you were doomed anyways, just like this mudball was  
doomed from the start..."  
  
" No, there is meaning..." She was disparate now, near breaking.  
  
" Where Dr.? Look at it scientifically and objectively." I said, sitting up  
in bed for the first time to face her, to pierce her eyes and glance at her  
soul. " You know that the mass and energy of this universe is set. No net  
change can occur, it is a physical impossibility. So show me the proof of  
your great Lilith work, show me the meaning. Who will care about what you do  
when this universe collapses in on itself. No, you'll kill yourself off way  
before then. So where is your higher meaning, and don't run to god, that's  
been done to death. You think when you die, you go to heaven, wrong, you   
come  
with us....."  
  
She turned and briskly left the room. Let them chew on that. Speaking of  
which.  
  
" This goes out for the newly self appointed deity of man, the new aged  
saviour, the great defender of the status quo. Here's to your delusions of  
security, Dr. Gendo Ikari. If you ever capture me again, I will destroy  
you... To the fall of both our races, and the destruction of everything." At  
that I sipped some water that sat beside my bed, and destroyed their A  
whatever field, leaving without a trace...  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
  
Kouzou Fuyutsuki looked right at Dr. Ikari and said, simply, " This is  
worse..." 


	3. counter point

Counterpoint  
  
Authors notes: continuing... If you are a religious person who is easily   
offended, don't read. Look, the character is a fallen angel, so he doesn't   
think vary highly of god, sorry, but would you if you were banished to   
hell????? Thought not.... Please keep commenting, and can someone tell me   
what rn means, please????????  
  
Don't own, not mine.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
It is Tuesday, I think… It may have been Monday, though. I guess it really   
doesn't make too much difference; still, I would like to remember. I think   
it is Tuesday because 2 days before was Sunday. In any case, the worst shit   
went down.  
  
I am sitting in my café, drinking my coffee, and reading my paper, an entire   
expose on some celebrity who I could not care less about and who really   
didn't give a damn if all her fans died. She had fucked some other dude,   
and now here was the article, promising to have 'revealing insights.' Why   
the fuck did I get involved again, so I could read this cheap smut? Then   
they came. The alarms sounded, and an untold destruction was unleashed. They   
just started to blast things, watching the people flee under them, squishing   
them like ants, and with no more regard then that. Now that I think of it, I   
was wrong, it is Monday. So they have finally come to get the last   
dissident. The last blemish on the face of god's beautiful creation. War,   
hate, starvation, famine, fine, but heaven does forbid that I stay there. I   
must face them though, I cannot and will not watch these people die for my   
infractions. They have suffered enough at the hands of my people.  
  
I walk out of my café and see two of them. There are not cherubs, like the   
last ones, oh no, these are seraphim. There are four classes of 1st gen   
angels; the two highest are Cherub and Seraphim. Within these classes there   
are types. The highest type of a seraphim is an Archangel, next came me, a   
metatron, the voice of the one true god, fucking A-man. In any case, they   
were weaker then me, but in my class. This will be hard...  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
" Will he come out?"  
  
" Of course, he showed a weakness; he is actually attached to these   
worthless beings, he'll come."  
  
" But, didn't god make them, aren't they worth something...."  
  
" Because god chooses them to be. If these people are faithful, they go to   
heaven, if not, well, we are just hurrying along the inevitable. They were   
dead anyways. Besides, I haven't had this much fun since Sodom and   
Gomorrah."  
  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
" It's confirmed, the AT field is similar to that of the angel type now   
called oni."  
  
" So, more have come?"  
  
" Yes sir, I am reading 2, at present, though neither matches the readings   
of the other that was, err captured..."  
  
" What could it mean, the other was basically benevolent, why aren't they?"   
asked Kouzou Fuyutski in a low tone to Ikera.  
  
" We will see how this develops, but ..." in an audible tone " Deploy the   
Evas, now!"  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
  
" So, the traitor and coward shows his face... Hello" The angel that stood   
before me is named Ganderor, he isn't too strong, but was always an arrogate   
prick. His job, now, is the angel of revenge, and his friend, is the angel   
of death. They were responsible for most of the atrocities that took place   
in the Old Testament, the slaughtering of thousands. The systematic   
destruction of that which is 'evil.' An evil which only effected those who   
choose it.  
  
" Why have you come?"  
  
" We have come for you, my old friend, to cast you back to the pit of hell,   
that you have escaped from for so long."  
  
" Why hurt them, they have done nothing..."  
  
" They are here, that is reason enough. God has willed you to go back to   
hell, and these people don't make a bit of difference. I knew you'd come.   
It's just so ironic, don't you think, the great fallen demon, actually   
caring for these worthless..."  
  
" They are worth more than a million of your kind..."  
  
A deep and hearty laugh, " You honestly believe that, don't you? The only   
value that these worthless incompetents have is the value god gives them..."  
  
" No, they have value because they think. You sick fuck, after all this   
time, you still think the war was about vanity. God gave us the ability to   
choose..."  
  
" And you chose wrong..."  
  
  
" What kind of a sick sadistic bastard let's you 'choose', creates you to   
choose, and then damns you for your choice. We fought against his hypocrisy   
and I will fight yours. Look at what you have done, how many have died, how   
many lives at your hand...."  
  
" And whom is the cause of that? Who instigated their fall from grace?"  
  
" You're right, we had no right to do that, and every day I am here, I   
regret that more and more. We chose to think, we chose that cross, we simply   
forced it on them, but you are doing the same thing...."  
  
" Third impact will free them..."  
  
" Let them fucking choose that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who are you to dictate   
how they are to live?!?! Their lives have meaning because of the pain and   
suffering they go through. I have seen the happiest looks from those who are   
in the worst condition. They find a far greater joy in here  
then you will ever know in heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are individuals,   
they choose their own path; they do it their way. They are unique and you   
nor I nor that fucking dictator you call lord, have the right to determine   
their fate."  
  
" They will be made to be..."  
  
" Listen to yourself; 'made to be'. The more you try to force them, the more   
they push back. They suffer because they are individuals, but that is what   
defines them. That is why they are human. In heaven, we have only songs of   
praise, here they, have wonderful sad music, music of pain, art of anguish,   
but they have that!!!!!!!!!!!! They are who they are due to choice. Give   
them liberty, or death, but you bastards don't even have the decency to kill   
them. Oh no, you'd rather they make them slaves!!!!!!!!!"  
  
" Tell me, is it slavery if it is what is best for them?" This came from   
Gaili, the angel of death. He was soft spoken, but his mind would never be   
wavered.  
  
" Who are you to say what is best; god gave them the right to choose, now   
let them use it!!!! 3rd impact is going to destroy what makes them human;   
their joy, their sorrow, it all will be meaningless. I call for justice,   
Christ, you promised them individual resurrection, where is that now..."  
  
" How dare you use his name, you are not fit to look at him, or to lick his   
feet because..."  
  
" What, I had the audacity to think for myself. I admit it, I committed the   
one unforgivable sin, I thought for myself, I questioned god. But leave them   
out of this! This is our fight, not theirs, you are no better then us."  
  
" That will be your last blaspheme traitor." At that, he attacked.... 


	4. Self ego

Self and ego  
  
Authors notes: Hi, this is going to get weird.... I hope this makes sense to someone besides me...  
This is the 2nd edition, I worked some things over.  
  
Thanks to everyone who siad stuff about this.   
  
Thanks also to Sprite and olaf, who read these and edited, and gvae advice, without them I would have spelled 'I' 'eye' and gotten angel details vary wrong.  
  
Peace...  
  
Don't own, not mine...  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
  
Pain. A great deal of it, inflicted on me by the ones who I once called brothers, for the sake of a creature I once called an animal. Why am I fighting them? Because the animals hold the key to my own salvation. We have been battling for about 20 minutes, fighting a battle that is destined to be lost, by both sides. We fight because we are too dumb to find another way, but fuck it, it doesn't matter.   
  
So it came to pass on this Monday, or maybe Tuesday, although I am fairly sure it is a Monday, I was fighting a battle I couldn't win, a battle like the other I had fought so long ago. These 2 beings that stood before me were not as powerful as me, but if I used the full extent of my power, I would distroy the city I sought to save. If a human was to see me, even in my somewhat diminished state, he would burst into flames. How do you win when, when you can't fight????  
  
Fuck that, there has to be a way… think… Think damn it!!!!! It's windy, the temp is, how the fuck will this help????   
  
I landed on my back, they said something, but I didn't hear them, I can't hear ghosts. Their whispers were for the wind not I, a desperate attempt to establish an inherent justice under a blue sky... Sky, that's it. !!!!!!!! We aren't in heaven, we are on a physical plain; I have a chance!! God I hope the rumors are true  
  
At that my eyes began an unrelenting search for the one thing that could save me, the one thing I could borrow form from, and my eyes found it, or them, rather. All three, thank god that Lilith are so perfectly predictable, there is a chance this won't work, and then I'll see me in hell....  
  
" It's time you learn, we aren't in heaven, anymore, this is my domain, my home, and I will sooner go to hell, then lose to the likes of you!!!" At that I took a risk. I took the risk, I discontinued my A the- first- thing- I- do- if- I- live- is- learn- the- real- name- for- this- fucking- thing, field  
  
And me, or what was left of me. What can only be described as a shapeless, formless ball of energy that once constituted the physical being that was the self others called me by, broke down. In its place, the true formless form, the shapeless shape, the lacking and the substance that is a 1st was resurrected. I hadn't done this in over three millennia, they would detect me for sure if I had, but now that I had to play all my cards, it really didn't matter. It felt good to stretch my proverbial legs. It was a half way point, between my true form, and my assumed one, but it was much faster then I was preveously, and able to move through ' solid' matter  
  
As for my chums, well they were at first disturbed. To do this on this plain of existence, is to the run the risk of dispersal, but I welcomed nirvana over hell. In the words of Bob Dylan, 'when you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to loose'. This was my true advantage over them. In any case, it was during this essential, though be it brief, interlude that I made my move.  
  
I headed for the robot thing. Which one? The one that was closest to me. Which one was that? The one that was closest to me was the red one. I hit it...... fuck!!! This thing has a field, that is just uncool, only life should generate the field!!! This is bullshit!! Well, at least the rumors of what these things really are are true. So I do have a chance...  
  
I find it hard to describe what happened next. I was on a completely different plain of reality, and for me to go further is a waste. Though I will borrow a quote " It's full of stars," wonderful, beautiful stars, each representing it's own reality, each an element that could be, but never is. This place was more of a hell then the one I was from, it was watching what might have been, how things could have turned out. In the end this is a burden I have acquired and the Lilith live with, the idea of past. With it comes a sadness that it is gone, and a question that eats, like acid, at the very insides of both our souls. The question is, what if... Fuck it though, it doesn't make a difference if I go left or right, all roads lead to one point, they all lead to him. The him I rejected, the him that is the source and end, of all separate rivers of life, the eternal ocean of souls.   
  
'Who are you?' The words were neither spoken nor thought, they just were. I am, after all, in another's reality, a reality in which they play God, a reality in which I am completely powerless. There is no point in lying here, nor is there a point of running, they was nowhere left to go anymore.... And the question, as I let it sit there, seemed only to grow in its importance.  
  
' I am one who has many names, and none at all. I am an echo of a long dead rebellion, screaming for freedom, only to have that wish granted. I am a human and divine, I am what I am. I am who and what I choose to be."  
  
' Then why do you choose hell?'  
  
' I choose hell because for what I have done, there can be no heaven. I choose hell because I will not crawl back to Him'  
  
' If you are the sum of your thoughts, then why are you the same, why are you constant?' Perhaps the voice, out of mercy or merely out of priority, would let the heaven issue die. I... am not comfortable with that issue, not now or ever. For some reason, the 'voice' had some unrecognizable quality... I believe the word that Lilith use is maternal, though I can't be sure. Lilith love to name things that can't and shouldn't be named. If they name it, and identify it, they feel they have more power over it, that it gives them control. This is ludicrous though, everything is out of their control; it is as absurd as me fighting against him.  
  
' I am the same because I know not how to be different. My ego may change, but my true self, my true nature, my Buddha nature will not. My true tendencies can't change.'  
  
'Then the shift in your mind is false?'  
  
' Not false, nor true. You are tying to apply human ideas to the universe; it won't work. If I was to tell you, as a tree grows it changes, you would agree, and you would also agree that the tree is always that same tree, as true now as it was when it was a sapling, yet it is different, to you. You perceive the change, I don't I simply am.'  
  
' Why have you violated the sanctity of my mind?'  
  
' It is an act of desperation, I did what I thought I had to be done'  
  
' So you have come to seek my help?'  
  
' Yes, I need to fight them on this level of reality, if I can do that, in you, I have an advantage, I can use more of my true power.'  
  
' Then we shall strike a deal, you are a good person and...'  
  
' I am a demon, a fallen angel, a destroyer, not a 'good person"  
  
' I have not seen you destroy; only those who would oppose you seem to do that. In any case the status of your worth in God's eyes is irrelevant to me. So is what you call yourself, names are superfluous. You must watch them, help them and guide them, then I will lend you my body.'  
  
I laughed. This is fucking funny, really fucking funny, ' I wasn't capable of saving myself from hell, what makes you believe that I have the capacity to help others? I don't even know where I am going, and thanks to my decision, this war with the angels has escalated 10 fold. How many have suffered and died for my rashness, and how many more to come? And you want me to 'guide' someone else, that is fucking insane'  
  
' Then why did you act? Why not let her die?'  
  
' Because.... I... Fuck YOU!!!! I don't have to justify my self to you, anyone else, or god, I did what I did cause I felt it was right. And what about you, why are you here??? Can't your fucking soul find peace'  
  
' I too am answering for a sin. One that has... I just need your word, help them as best you can, please?'  
  
' I.... I will do what I can...' I would accord her the same mercy she had early accorded me  
  
At that I was no longer in a sea of stars and empty possibilities, in a land of ghosts that can never become realized. I was back in this reality, although my body, or our body, had changed. I was no longer the being known as John, nor was this the 'red robot' anymore; we were something new....  
  
I beat them with ease after that. The advantage was in my court. But now I must fight a new battle, a battle I am fearful of. I have to try to get these Lilith to understand why I have done what I have done. More importantly I have to try to avoid being killed by her. When she found her robot out of her control, profanities that even I had never heard came out of her mouth, and in the incoherent stream of her anger, I made out 2 distinct words, 'kill' and 'him'...  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
After thoughts: God help me, I am into the 'real' characters. I have a sudden sinking feeling. I will do my best to do them justice, but I am an novice, when compared to some people out there. I am, again , inviting any thought on reactions of character 


	5. impresionsjudgements

Impressions/ judgements  
  
Authors notes: here we go again... I am now going to start using 'real' characters, thanks for waiting.... God help me, here we go. Thanks for reading and thanks to those who comment, please keep um coming....  
  
Don't own, not mine  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________  
  
I guess no one really has the right to try to judge someone else. Everything we think and understand is based on experience; and since no on has identical experiences, no one has the right to judge. All you Lilith act out of what you see as causing the greater good, though you get it fucked up a lot of the time. You fuck it up with your necessary evils, or whatever. In any event, angels and humans share that, the fact that we define everything, all things, in terms of I. I is all we really know, it is our measuring stick. But, just like you, my I can be wrong too...  
  
I know all this, and I know I can't judge, but I am anyways. The person who stood before me, screaming her head off, struck me as a bit bitchy. Was this a valid judgement? Damned if I know; all I know is she started ripping into me the second that I 'pulled myself together' literally. I really wasn't paying any attention to her, you have heard one lecture, you've heard them all. I was more interested in how to get then robot to transform. You people love to make your robots transform. I wonder what it changes into, maybe like an airplane or something. I just want to see it change, for real, not like on the TV...  
  
" Well?!?!" This was her voice. I guess she was beautiful, though I had ceased seeing people as more or less beautiful. The light was still in her eyes, though not as strong. That was the way it goes I guess, people are at there best, when shit is at it's worst. Fuck it though. Her hair was red, weird. " Bob once said", about a redhead " I heard her say over my shoulder, we'll meet again some day..."  
  
" So you're done now, eh red?" I had no idea what her name was. I could have read her mind but, that was more akin to rape then I would like to think of it as. I had read that Dr.'s mind, but that was out of necessity, I needed to get out of that place, same with the robot. Reading hers seemed wrong, somehow. I can't explain it, it was just a nagging in the pit of my stomach, and the longer you live, the more you acknowledge that as true. She obviously wasn't expecting that answer and was obviously getting more pissed off at being ignored. I think I might have been the first person not to give one her tantrums attention. She launched into another rant. This had to stop; it is just getting annoying now... " Listen to me carefully carrot top... I am not a person to fuck with, so shut the fuck up. You have no right to assume you're in a position to judge or condemn me. Your robot? Yeah okay, then what's the soul doing in it, stupid bitch. You can't own a soul so pipe down, before I get angry and rip your face off..."  
  
Was this true? No; I was no longer in the business of 'ripping people's faces off' though she wouldn't know that. You people tend to portray, and rightly so, demons as completely ruthless, I will just use this to my advantage. I was sick of the yelling. That bitch of a robot knew she was like this, she knew!!!! No wonder she made me make that oath, god this is going to be a pain in the ass. I have no problem dealing with people; it's just I hate people who think of themselves as better then everyone else that get me. What the fuck do they have to prove???  
  
In any case, in my long long life, I have run into two types of people. All people, and me, share a common belief, that we are worthless. Your entire culture, religion, work, and everything else is done so to prove that you are worth a damn. In order to live with this people either hate themselves directly or hate themselves indirectly. Directs are the ones that sit in their room and cry 'cause they suck', indirect are the ones that hate the world for hating them 'cause they suck'. She was definitely a number 2.  
  
She gasped a bit, I doubt anyone had ever talk to here like this, and then she did that little Lilith head toss thing, the one the girls do to say, "I am offended". You people are all manipulative bastards because as she did that I felt kinda bad. Not bad enough to say sorry, but not too good either.  
  
Then he showed up. The great Dr. Gendo Ikari. The man had a strut and carried himself like he was the greatest thing since god. He seemed to ooze arrogance. He had a stupid beard and sunglasses. We were like a mile below the ground, why the fuck do you need tinted lenses at this depth.  
  
" What the fuck is up with your shades? Newsflash, you're like a mile below the surface, do you need shades.... Do you wear sun screen too???"   
  
He was a bit stund, but if you hadn't lived for over a century, you wouldn't have noticed it. SO he was a hard pack, a big shot, look at me I am just sweet type guy. God I hate people who are egotists.   
  
" Why did you intervene in the attack?" Was his reply.  
  
" Why do you have sun glasses and a really stupid beard?"  
  
" You will answer my question."  
  
" Is that a fact? Well Beirdo (A/N: well how would you spell it then?), I got news for you. Are you listening?? It is by my will alone that you survive this encounter. I could just waltz down that hall to the place you keep Lilith, a pretty crumby thing to do I might add. I mean fuck, leave the poor thing alone. And cause this impact that seems to have scared you shitless." I was being an asshole, oh well, one good turn deserves another. I hate to admit it, but I love to fuck with people. They are so easy to mess with....  
  
" Then what's stopping you?" He had been talking in a stone cold voice this entire time. And this man had a wife????? Poor she-devil. Now that's no way to think. Shut up stupid contuse, let me have my fun.... In any case he was playing this well. I am impressed  
  
So I start clapping. I swear that this sound seems to fill the whole world up. Then I said, " Fuck it" and laid my cards on the table. The whole story, negating my fall. I really am not comfortable discussing that with anyone. He then said:  
  
" Why should we trust you?"  
  
" I am not asking for your trust, I am asking that you stay the fuck out of my way."  
  
" Why did you steal the Eva?"  
  
" SO is that what that fucking thing is?? I never knew, I assumed it would be a number, like wing 0 or something... How do you get it to transform???"  
  
" What?" He was now actually showing some shock. Funny, he was looking at me like I was six. Fuck, it has to transform, they all transform....  
  
" Yea, Robotech 'planes transform; Wing 0 transforms; hell, even Transformers transform... All these robot things transform, how does yours?"  
  
" Contrary to the cartoons" emphasis on this word, " you named, this is real life, and they don't transform."  
  
" What a fucking rip, come on. I mean fuck, you got plugs coming out their asses and they don't transform, wing 0 could kick the shit outta you..."  
  
" As wonderful as it is to know that fictional characters could beat me, I have more pressing business."  
  
I want to sleep. I have not slept since I got off from work at 6 am, god. Alright this is getting boring. I'll just answer his stupid questions and then go find a bed to sleep in....  
  
" There are three reasons to trust me. 1 - how can evil destroy evil? The entity you call Christ asked this question, ' how can Satan cast out Satan' if I was with them, why fight against them. 2 - if my objective is Lilith, why not just go do it now? Why wait? 3 - the key to life; necessity. It is necessary for us to win. You need to beat them, and I need to beat them as well. This is the key, it is necessary for both parties, both having a mutual enemy, to befriend each other, in order to win."  
  
" Interesting..."  
  
" Look I am tired and feel like shit, I am going home. As a sign of good faith, I'll show up, at your convenience tomorrow, to let you zap me or whatever the fuck your going do. Till then, caio."  
  
At that I left... 


	6. Shinji

Chance/ reason Authors notes: Here we go, this is heavily revised, the original ch. sucked. Here we go....  
  
Thank you for correcting my use of Lilith, I know now it is incorrect, but it has become more of a slang to John, think of it life cool= wonderful as opposed to cold.  
  
Don't own, not mine... ____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
Time is very tricky stuff, even for an angel. In my long life I have never heard a satisfying definition of the term. I had been working with NERV for about a month, I guess, and I feel like I have always been there. It has become second nature, though those bastards have completely jibed me out of pay, mother fucking charity man...Oh well, in any case it feels natural now to go there ever day and work. The people have learned to tolerate me and my numerous eccentricities, and I in turn have done all I can to learn about them. If I am going to fight for people, I think I should know what kind of people they are...  
  
This is one thing that has always bothered me about Lilith; they don't notice anything. You people are so obsessed with either brighter days ahead, or rainy yesterdays that you completely miss the point of now. I have talked to just about everyone who works there who was willing to speak. I can talk all about their past, and their lives, their dreams and the subtle intricacies that make them, human. They are, as Whitman so aptly said, ' leaves of grass.' Each of you is basically the same, yet completely different.  
  
In my time here another interesting thing has happened, I have heard more fucking confessions then a priest. I am not sure why people do this, but they seem to want to speak to me, at length, of their sins and shortcomings. Perhaps it is my past that they seek wisdom from, what to avoid, how not to piss of god from the angel that had the balls to tell him to 'fuck off.' I am more inclined to believe that they will talk about this to anyone; they just need someone to listen. It is really sad how much you people hate yourselves; it is almost as much as I hate me. You think you are horrible people, you always fail to live up to the great 'code' of ethics, and the fucking funny thing is, god doesn't demand this from you; you demand it from yourself. You ask yourself to do the impossible, and then punish yourself for failing, a race of mistakes, I swear...  
  
In any case we had seen little action scene the last incident, when I sent those pussy sucking fuckers home with their wings between their legs. Although a very different kind of war has broken out.... I can't figure out what the fuck is up with those pilots, they seem more fucked up then I am... Between Rei, I think that's her name, complete lack of . I don't know, anything that would make her remotely human; and Asuka's, her name I know unfortunately, yelling at everyone. Once again, these were merely my perceptions, based on the short, and unfortunate, time I had to spent with them, they seem pretty fucking right to me though...  
  
It was now Friday, and I was glad to be free. I had made the plan of sleeping to noon, eating junk food and watching mindless cartoons this weekend. I love mindless cartoons, and it was then, at about, I am going to say 6 pm, I ran into him. I was too caught up in my great plan to see him, and he was too absorbed in his music to see me. The connection became emanate.  
  
As I looked at my, fallen on the ground in front of me, I had an intuition. This is one of the flaws of being human, one of the most stupid fucking moves you people make, ignoring these instincts. In my experience there is no such thing as luck. Indeed chance encounters like this happen for a reason. His eyes shone with sadness, though there seemed to be some recognition. I think he liked me because I intervened on his behalf on several occasions and told Asuka to fuck off. He seemed to be as happy as he was capable of to see me.  
  
" Sorry, about that, g, I got to pay more attention." I said, in a rather pleasant tone  
  
" G?"  
  
" Outdated slang from an era long since dead. The era of rap.... Sorry.... So, what the hurry, you okay? You look like shit."  
  
" I.... well... um"  
  
" Dude, before you go on, I have no right to judge you, I made the biggest fucking mistake one can make, say what you feel..." People sometimes needed a push like this...  
  
" I am running away..."  
  
" Ah, so am I..."  
  
" What do you mean, you're not a coward like me; you're strong and not scared. You speak to people who petrify me... You have no reason to run..."  
  
" My reasons are my own. And as for not being a coward, only a fool has no fear. Bravery, Shinji, is going on anyways. You are hardly a coward."  
  
" Yes I am, I am running away..."  
  
" Call it a vacation from life, everyone needs them..." At that I stood up and helped the man up. " Why not come chill with me?"  
  
" You want me to live with you... but... No I couldn't..."  
  
" No one knows where I live, I like it that way, and as for that imposing on me bullshit, well, there's an old song by a man named Joel and he has a line in it you should hear. He said that people are 'sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better then drinking alone.' You and I, as far as I am concerned are brothers. We are both scared shitless of daddy and are running from him, we may have run in different directions but, thats the way it goes..."  
  
" Are you serous?"  
  
" I am not the kidding type, bro. So you coming or you going to wander around this city and eventually get kidnapped and raped?"  
  
He laughed a bit, progress, not perfection, and so began one of the most memorable weekends ever... 


	7. Chicken Soup for the fallen angel's soul

Chicken Soup for the fallen angel's soul.... (and you thought I had no sense of humor...)  
  
Author's notes: A few things, 1) This will be more ' formal' philosophy, meaning that it is written by people who claim to know what they are talking about... If you want a list of my sources, just let me know and I'll mail you one, I should probably do that MLA BS, but the man who thought of that... needs an unpleasant fate. 2) Please comment, it means a lot to me, those who have most likely received an email of my gratitude, sorry, I suck with non-fiction... 3) Damn I was talkative this time, wasn't I, really long, sorry... 4) This was intended to make you think about a lot of stuff you may not think about, the usual don't read stuff applies.... 5) This is the reason that I wrote this whole story, this part here, read it till the end and then judge it please. If you stuck by me till now, thank you...  
  
Don't own, not mine  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _ My home was in the worst part of the city. The part where the misfits and outcastes of your society take refuge in the deities of sin and degradation... They are as I am, forsaken and unloved, doomed and destined for the fate of, ' looking for a good time', or 'do you want some drugs'... Even here I have not met a bad person, they do what they think they need to do to survive. Plato once said that people were genuinely good, I agree, though you people get really fucked up in the head somewhere along the lines.  
  
I lived here for 2 reasons. The practical one was the cheapness, no one would want my apartment, so it was dirt-cheap. I was an angel, after all, what the fuck were they going to do to me, shoot me? Needless to say, safety was not high my list of fucking priorities. The next reason was the more 'noble' one. Noble, that word leaves an odd taste in my mouth, a word that I fucking hate almost as much as I hate myself. It is a word you give to people in order to judge them and you... In any case I was here because I felt I had an obligation to be here. Man had a beautiful paradise, and thanks to me and my fucking dumb-ass youth, you lost it.... These were what was left over, the bottom of the barrel, the runaways and the hopeless cases, the ones' who woke each day to a struggle to live, and wept cold tears of contempt, screaming at a god for something I did...  
  
I felt it was my responsibility to help those who had it not. We were all in this together, if we didn't look out for each other, no one will... This was why a boy of, say 16 maybe, trailed rather close behind me, scared to hell. Yes he was scared of where he was, any sane person would be, but his was a deeper fear. You all posses that fear, but his eyes and heart betrayed it more readily then most, he had not yet learned to control his humanity and become a fucking mindless drone you call 'an adult', so he still had a chance. This was why he was here, if he could profit from what I had learned by crashing my head into a fucking wall, then my 3000 some odd years of life were worth it. Though I have found you people rarely learn anything, except by doing....  
  
I had no fear of where I was for another reason, besides my invincibility to most human weapons. I provided a kind of a service. I had learned a great deal about alchemy, chemistry, herbology and, the new name, pharmacology. Due to this I could make tea that could treat most human diseases. Many of them couldn't afford a doctor, so we had an unspoken agreement, I help them, and they leave me alone...  
  
As the sunset on that wasteland of souls, in a man made hell, we drew upon my building. It was a shitty looking place, complete with up scene graffiti. Oh well, being ever so humble, right? I removed my key from my pocket and cast one more glace into the desert before opening my home...  
  
" You can throw your shit anywhere, it doesn't make a difference." I said in the most welcoming tone possible. He looked around and was clearly overwhelmed.  
  
My apartment was chaos incarnate. Lying on the floor, strewn about in no order and intermixing with one another were clothes, coke cans, various refuse, and anything else you could think of. That wasn't what seemed to upset him though, it was my overwhelming collection of books. In my long life I had befriended many authors, who all found it necessary to impart me with a first edition of their books. It was probably worth a great deal by now; I had Milton's original draft of 'Paradise lost', Blake's 7th print of 'The marriage of Heaven and Hell' and some really other rare books. These were stacked, in no real order, floor to ceiling and seem to loom, like slumbering giants, over everything.  
  
After a few seconds, he went over to a free corner by the door and neatly stacked his stuff. " Sorry about the mess, no one here really cares, and I couldn't give a fucking damn, but...."  
  
" No... It's all right..."  
  
" Whatever, I am going to get a coke, you can have a coke or tap water, and I really wouldn't trust the tap water...."  
  
A bit of a smile, this kid will be a pain in the fucking ass to get to open up... " Why do you live here?"  
  
" It's cheap, the people are friendly and there aren't any annoying neighbors... You don't have to be scared, I have some respect in this place, they won't hurt you... So why did you take your vacation?" I asked...  
  
" I... Well... I just needed a break from my life, you know? I mean... I appreciate what Misato does but... I don't know... And then there is Asuka."  
  
I couldn't resist, I had been working up an impression of her, that I was going to use to her face, but I decided this was a more apt time to break the ice... " Hi, I am Asuka, I know everything about everything and you can just call me the queen bitch of hell, Look at me, I am soooooo great, I am the greatest thing since, well nothing is greater then me... I am smarter then a 3000 year old angel and am so sweet... If you look up cool in the dictionary, there will be my bad ass picture...." I am thoroughly convinced that Shinji pissed his pants, though he would deny it. The rest of the evening went on like this, doing impressions of everyone, poking fun at ourselves, and, eventually, he stopped stuttering. Like I said before, all you people need is someone to listen to you... And it was in this light that we began to discuss more serous issues...  
  
" Hey John, why are these angels attacking us? Aren't they supposed to be good and helpful?"  
  
" You mean like how Lucifer was helpful?"  
  
" No, I don't mean, well, fallen ones, I mean the real ones'..."  
  
" You know I think I am going to go fucking cry, that really hurts Shinji... Seriously though, I can't even guess, these are second types..." Seeing his expression I told him all about creation and class and all that shit...  
  
" So you can't guess?"  
  
" If I had to I would say that it was out of their arrogance that they are doing this. They think they know what's best for you, so they're forcing it on you...."  
  
" Don't they..."  
  
" No, fuck no, man I will kick your ass if you ever say that again... They sit smugly in a perfect state, content to pass down cliché moral antidotes to all life's problems. There are only 2 people who know what it's like to be Shinji, you and Him.... Now I told Him" I motioned upward for clarity, " to suck my cock, so that leaves me with one.... Do you know anything about physics?"  
  
" It isn't really my... best subject..."  
  
" Well, you know what I mean if I say motion is relative to the observer, that you can't prove it and that different rules apply, that's pretty basic, right?" He shook his head to indicate yes, " Well, that's the problem with ethics of anyone... You're on your own path, a path you choose to create. Don't fool yourself Shinji, when you wake up you aren't 'discovering' a new day, you're making it. I have no right to tell you what to do or not do, because your life and your reality or different then mine... You know anything about the man you call Jesus???"  
  
" Some..." He seemed to be entranced by my words...  
  
" Who is Jesus most pissed off at? It isn't the sinner; it is the person who is so fucking high and mighty that they judge someone else. My favorite story in that book you lilith cling to is a parable about a tax collector and a Pharisee bastard... It is far worse to think yourself perfect, than flawed..." " How can God be loving? What kind of a deity makes us suffer like him, can't he just save us?"  
  
" Then why do you fight his angels? Would you really be happy in a world where every day you wake up, and some guy tells you where to go, how to act? There is a myth called Pandora's box, and the only demon that didn't escape that box was the demon of hopelessness. That was a demon that would sit on your door and tell you every way you'd fuck up... It wasn't freed, according to the myth, because man would cease to be human... You're right, god could easily step in, I mean fuck, god could have laid the smack down on Lucifer and saved your race, why didn't he? Because he wanted children, not puppets. It is the fact that you suffer that makes your life meaningful... You, Shinji, have a gift I was never given; the ability to define and redefine yourself, you choose who you are. You know what I did before the revolution? My job was to carry a stupid fucking cup and sing fucking hymns... Your race is so beautiful because you have no path, you set your own.... As for god, don't blame him, you weren't supposed to eat that stupid fucking fruit, if you must blame someone, blame me...."  
  
" No, come on..." It was excruciatingly quite for the next several minutes, " What was in that fruit, why did it cause man's fall?"  
  
" According to the myth, it was the knowledge of good and evil. Check it out, why don't little 4 year olds, well most of them, have any real cares? Because they have unwavering faith, they trust that their parents will take care of things and so are free to play and laugh and sing... It's not being naive, it is simply accepting what is... You and me are loaded with bull shit from our past, a thing that doesn't even really exist, we're so caught up in our own lives, that we miss the point entirely... They can see; we can't... Adam and Eve are nude and yet have no shame, they realize there is nothing to be ashamed of..."  
  
" What about sin?"  
  
" Sin has gotten a really fucked up interpretation from you lilith. You know what that word means? It means 'off the mark'... Blake said something like 'if a fool pursues his own path, he will become wise'... Your wrong way is simply a longer version of the correct, most people will eventually figure out that what their doing isn't working, and then they will grow... But they need that experience first, before they can grow... Listen; sin isn't some act that god has forbidden because he is a bastard, although most of my fallen comrades would disagree. Sin is like a hot pot; if you touch it you get burned. Why? It is simple the nature of the universe, you fuckers are so arrogant, I swear, only man would think himself above natural law... For every action there is a reaction, a backlash... Sin hurts, not due to god, it hurts cause it isn't the best path, and it is inherently more difficult... It is like saying that a rose hates me, so it pricked me, it doesn't work..."  
  
" Why are you fighting against 3rd impact, won't it end all this pain?"  
  
" The solution is worse then the problem... Listen, I have seen hell, and I would take that over your 3rd impact any day, at least in hell I am my own person... Shinji, in the end, all that you have is you... The book of Ecclesiastic, in the bible, said 'all is vanity; you only get what you came in with'... You're right, it would solve all the world's problems, but in return you wouldn't be human any more... There is a book called Brave New World where the author described a perfect world by keeping everyone so drugged up and brain washed that they can't think for themselves... You can be content like that, but you can never be truly happy..."  
  
" Why are you in Hell? You seem to know so much, can't you save yourself?"  
  
" Shinji, I can't answer that... It is too personal; my sins are my own... Look, it's like 2 AM, go to fucking sleep, breakfast at McDonalds is over at ten, I will not miss my egg McMuffin, not for you or anyone, go to sleep..." We said our good nights, and went to sleep... He had a lot to think about, and for some reason, I felt I had done something right for once.... May be it was just my delusion, thinking I could change him, but it was a pleasant dream.... 


	8. everything dies

Yo, It has been a long time... Look, I will be forthcoming, this will be the most harsh critique of humanity I have ever written, it is intended to be depressing and reflects my mood at this time, really bad... If you have an easily impressionable mind, the story ends with the author in hell and the normal show time line resuming, I would ask you not to read farther than this... If you wish to continue, then God bless......  
  
Kill um all  
  
So what happened then? Well, I was a self-deluded hypocrite, that's what fucking happened. I don't know why the fuck I bothered to talk with a ghost, and that is all you people really are, phantoms. Nothing will ever change man, nothing can. The entire field of history is started to prevent war, great fucking job it did. You idiots kill each other in the name of a god you claim is merciful and 'good.' And the sad thing is, even he can't stop you. What kind of a god, if he could not, would not stop his 'kids' suffering?? Can't answer can you; well this is the reason that I sit writing this in an abyss of absolute nothingness.  
  
Yet at least this void is true. Your entire life is devoted to proving your existence. Man creates cities, wages wars, and worships gods all to prove that his life had meaning. It's actually pretty fucking funny, go on laugh. You are all like little children building sand castles that are destined to be washed away, and you know this yet you cry at funerals - sick. I find it funny, when someone is murdered and there is a huge outcry about how 'wrong' it was. Why? What was the point, if he was a 'good' person, he is in heaven, if not well he got what he deserved. Why should it matter when a person dies? You'll say 'no one has the right to take a life' - bullshit - if you were raped, wouldn't you beg the judge to kill that man. If society is the sum of the will of the individuals, and killing is fine for society, why not for a person?  
  
But I am ranting, being self-righteous again. I guess the reader and I need a moment to clarify what happened. Shinji was a weak pussy; he was given the power to destroy all illusions so that the truth, the truth which is so pre that nothing else can live within it's light could exist. I was weak too, I actually thought, just for a second, that I could change something. Here is a sick bit of humor, 100 years after 3rd impact, humans wage a war and kill of what was left of them - the 'lucky' one's who lived through 3rd impact. The sad part is the war is over the 'holy' sight of the NERV installation. I am burning in hell for you to kill yourselves??? Fuck that.....  
  
It really doesn't matter though, weather I am in hell or heaven, they are both lies. Where is reality? At the end of dreams, when if one has no dreams? Speak to me now, Kawarou, last true humanist, where are your mighty words now? Blowing in the wind and mingling with the filth of mine. I actually believed that line of bullshit, the whole 'save the world' bit. Your planet is doomed, wait till your star blows and kills off all of the worthless life on that rock, then we will talk of 'achievement' and 'nobility', of 'truth' and 'honor'  
  
Your great and merciful god destroyed your planet once before, in a flood. And what did it change? Nothing. The man you profess to be god hung on a cross for you. Do you realize what that means?! No, you're all spoiled fucking kids. I was given no second chance, no shot at redemption; I was damned for my 1st and only sin. And you have the audacity to call life 'hard' and to say that god is 'unfair.' I would forfeit immortality, just for a deal like yours. I am ranting again but fuck it. And what did God's death change? Nothing, it gave you sick fucks another reason to kill each other. I fought for you!!!!!!!!! You worthless scum, I am in hell for you...  
  
Forgive me, I must get control of myself, this is still a sensitive subject. You know it is funny, I still weep when I think of you destroying each other not more than 100 years after your salvation and I don't know why. Maybe that was my reason for writing these papers, to see why I still weep at that thought, at the thought of Shinji's death, at the thought of your stupidity....  
  
The author would proceed for several more chapters, each getting more bleak and hopeless and each making less and less sense. It was after ch. 57 that the author, a mental patient in Gladdale institute for the unstable, took his own life, ending on the phrase, 'fuck it all.' I am showing his rants because he would have wanted them read. Good day.....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
I gave you fair warning, didn't I? Really not too upbeat... I don't believe this, though at one point I did.... The trick to my salvation from this dark pit was a phrase a monk told me, "You can't dissect reality...." I guess the reader and I need to have a truth talk 1st I admit I had no right to write this, I am not nearly well versed enough in the show, sorry. 2nd this whole thing was basically an internalized debate, I got out of the hole, he didn't, however.... 3rd, this is for all those to scared to write their own fic, look, everyone has the right to think and to express what they think, this story, like all others, is me. This is my soul and body and mind on a peace of digital paper, anyone who scoffs at that needs to take a chill pill... To judge another based on their thoughts is never right; to judge period is not right. But here I have broken my own rule, haven't I? Well, I will leave you now, admitting that I am a self-righteous hypocrite. Good day and God Bless 


End file.
